Mon, 07 May 2012 07:29:17 -0500WeeblyWed, 04 Apr 2012 12:43:49 -0500http://www.startingoverafter40.com/2/post/2012/04/the-importance-of-family-traditions.htmlIn today's world, families are often busy and have conflicting schedules. They do well to share one meal together in a day. Family traditions are important, even something as seemingly simple as sharing a meal. Traditions teach children values and instill a sense of security. Family traditions help to create a bond and a way of connecting with those you are closest to.

I recall as a child going to my grandmother's home each Sunday afternoon. She always had a delicious pie or cake baked. It wasn't so much the cake or pie that brought joy, but realizing how much she cared for her family to offer such a sweet gesture--every Sunday. I also learned through this tradition how much my parents honored my grandmother. My grandmother had been a widow for many years and lived alone. My parents taught me by example to place importance on those who are often neglected--those who are valuable, regardless of age.

As we ate my grandmother's delicious baked goods, she told stories of her youth and took me down my family's memory lane. The stories were meaningful to me at the time, but even more meaningful now. My grandmother passed away many years ago as well as my mother and father. From my grandmother's stories, I have more of a history of my family and the traditions they shared before I was even born.

There is a security in knowing where you came from, how your family connected and the family traditions that brought you together through both difficult and joyful times. Do your best to consistently connect your family through traditions. Share meals together. Have a weekly ritual such as taking a walk together or having a movie night. Implement ideas for holidays that will linger in memories for years to come. Don't allow the opportunity to create family traditions to pass by with the excuse of busy schedules.

"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." -- Desmond Tutu

]]>Wed, 22 Feb 2012 10:19:34 -0500http://www.startingoverafter40.com/2/post/2012/02/my-girlfriend-is-jealous-of-my-ex-wife.htmlDave asks: I've been divorced for two years. My ex-wife and I have 2 children together, ages 9 and 12. I have a girlfriend I've been with for six months. She is jealous of my interaction with the ex. The green monster is coming out! How can I deal with this?

Dear Dave: You didn't define what the interaction with your ex-wife is. You mentioned having children together so I'm assuming the interaction has to do with them. Your new girlfriend has a lot to contend with. When she entered your life, she also entered the life of your children and your ex. The part that will make a difference, in whether your girlfriend stays or goes, is how you deal with your ex with respect to your girlfriend.

Ask yourself if you are interacting with your ex-wife at times that it has nothing to do with your children. Are there unresolved emotions that cause you to be around or talk to your ex-wife when you don't really have to? Do you find excuses to be around your ex-wife?

While your girlfriend might truly be jealous, it's possible she feels threatened by your interaction with your ex-wife if the interaction isn't reasonable. I say this because I know of too many cases where there are unresolved feelings and the person, without realizing it, finds excuses to be around the ex. They step in to help when the issue has nothing to do with the children, in a way that mimics when they were married.

Make sure your girlfriend knows she is the most important lady in your life. Don't step into your ex-wife's life if stepping in isn't justified. Communicate openly with your girlfriend to find out what she is feeling. Don't be defensive, but listen to what she has to say. If you haven't given her reason to be jealous, help her to work through her feelings.


]]>Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:20:35 -0500http://www.startingoverafter40.com/2/post/2012/01/how-to-stop-focusing-on-your-ex.html_It is understandable the attachment you have to an ex after a breakup. Your heart is broken even if the breakup was necessary. You find yourself thinking of your ex for weeks, months or even years. You wonder what they are doing and if they miss you. The thoughts of an ex is almost like an addiction for some people. If these thoughts go on for too long and prevent you from enjoying life, it is crucial to find ways to stop focusing on your ex.

Acceptance

You need to accept that the relationship with your ex is over. Sure, it is easier said than done, but deluding yourself isn't working either. Accept that you are worthy of being loved and the relationship with your ex wasn't meant to be. Accepting a breakup that was not meant to be will enable you to accept a relationship in the future that is meant to be. Focusing on a future relationship will redirect your focus from your ex.

Analyze

Even though the point is to stop focusing on your ex, take a little time to analyze the dynamics of the relationship when you were together. What were the problems? Were there communication issues? Were there conflicting beliefs or interests? What led to the breakdown of your relationship? By analyzing these aspects, you can better prepare yourself for a future relationship. If you had trouble communicating, learn to open yourself up more to people in everyday life. If you had anger issues that damaged your relationship, get them under control before bringing a new person into your life. The thoughts of how to improve yourself for a future relationship will take your mind off of your ex.

Support

After a breakup you need a support network of good friends or family. Talking to friends or family about what you are feeling and going through will help you to heal. But, your support network should also be a source of joy and a way to focus on other people and take your focus off of your ex. Reach out to those in your support network. They have problems, too. Surround yourself with those who care and don't isolate yourself where you are alone with continuous thoughts of your ex.

Stay Active

After a breakup, it is hard to focus on yourself with all those haunting thoughts of your ex. Staying active in body can help to lessen the damaging, emotional thoughts and the focus on your ex. Go to the gym or work out in your own home with a friend. Swimming is great exercise and even if you don't have your own pool, you can go to the YMCA for little cost. Take a daily walk in your neighborhood or join a sports team. Anything that revs up your body will turn your focus off of your ex and to a more positive direction.

]]>Sat, 28 Jan 2012 21:49:15 -0500http://www.startingoverafter40.com/2/post/2012/01/tips-for-letting-a-man-know-you-really-like-him.html_There are subtle ways to let a man know that you really like him. Use these tips to catch his attention without being overly forward.

• During a date use body language or subtle physical contact. For example, lean toward him and laugh at one of his jokes. A gentle touch to the shoulder, back or hand lets him know you are into him. Be sure not to pour it on. You don't want to come on too strong!
  
  
• Tell him that you enjoyed the time together on the date. This will keep him from wondering if you liked the date or not.
  
  
• Suggest something to do for the next date. For example, “I think it would be fun if we went bowling the next time we go out.” This lets him know you’re interested and looking to future dates with him. It also takes some of the pressure off of him figuring out what to do on subsequent dates.
  
  
• Eye contact is very important. While the two of you are on the date make certain to maintain eye contact with him. You do not have to stare him down. Glance in his eyes for a moment and see if he responds by keeping eye contact.
  
  
• Call or text message after the date to let him know you had a good time. This gives him the opportunity to set up another date with you. Just call once to show your appreciation of the date and see how he responds. Never harass a man by calling repeatedly.
  
  
• Buy a single rose and give it to him on your next date. Men often enjoy flowers as much as women.
  
  

]]>Sat, 28 Jan 2012 21:18:41 -0500http://www.startingoverafter40.com/2/post/2012/01/dont-let-a-breakup-define-you1.html_A breakup can do real damage to your emotions. The emotions you feel might cause you to feel empty and worthless. This is your emotions talking and not the reality!

Don't let a breakup, and the emotions you feel, define you. The breakup is an experience and not who you are. A breakup causes you to feel rejection, pain, loss and sometimes hopelessness. These emotions are normal, but temporary.

I recall a friend telling me how worthless and hopeless she felt after a breakup. She cut herself down horribly and felt no man would ever want her again. She had been in a 2-year relationship, with what appeared, to be a wonderful man. She gave him her all. I pointed out that the flaw was his. He had cheated on her. He did everything--up until the very moment he was busted for cheating--to make her feel she was his everything. No man (or woman) worth their salt does that to another person they claim to love!

Don't let a breakup define you. Learn from the breakup and apply those lessons to a future relationship. If someone breaks up with you, it doesn't mean that you are not worthy. Focus on your good qualities and what you have to give to someone who will appreciate them. ]]>Wed, 25 Jan 2012 01:10:24 -0500http://www.startingoverafter40.com/2/post/2012/01/help-for-the-aftermath-of-divorce.html_Divorce is a very stressful and painful event. The pain and stress do not end when the final papers are signed. There are lots of emotions to work through, along with creating a new financial plan, custody issues if you have children and for some, new living arrangements. The aftermath of divorce can leave you vulnerable and depressed. It is important to be aware of your emotional state and know how to take care of yourself.

Allow Yourself to Feel

If you have children, you especially want to be strong for them. But, it's important that you allow yourself to feel your emotions. If you deny your feelings, they will resurface at some point later on. For most people, there is a grieving process in the aftermath of divorce, much like grieving from a death. Allow yourself to feel, to cry or whatever it takes to work through your emotions.

Stay Focused

Many people feel they are on an emotional roller coaster ride in the aftermath of divorce. There are so many issues to deal with such as custody and visitations if you have children, financial planning, where you will live, possibly seeking employment, and how you will move on emotionally. Focus on what is most important. You don't have to plan out your new life in a day's time. If it helps you to stay focused, write down what steps you need to take to address any issues you are facing.

Take Care of Yourself

Taking care of yourself is not selfish. You need to take care of yourself physically in order to be more emotionally healthy. Eat healthy meals. Exercise, even if for a few moments a day. Take time to relax and clear your mind as much as possible. Look for the small blessings in life that you are given each day.

Seek Support

In the aftermath of divorce you need a support system. Turn to friends or family members who care. Let them know what you are going through. If your emotional state is severe, consider seeking professional or clergical help.

]]>Mon, 23 Jan 2012 22:14:14 -0500http://www.startingoverafter40.com/2/post/2012/01/converting-the-spare-room-after-children-leave-home.html_A spare room is often available when children leave home. The question then arises as to what to convert the spare room into. Converting the spare room is a challenge and may emotionally feel as though your child will never be around. Making the conversion is a good method for bringing closure to your child leaving home and dealing with empty nest syndrome. Converting a spare room can be a fun project that turns your woes into wows!

Craft and Hobby Room

Many people enjoy different crafts – such as woodworking, sewing or scrapbooking. Converting the spare room into a craft room allows you to enjoy your craft hobbies and passion all in one place. You no longer have to clear the kitchen table to put together scrapbooks or squeeze a corner of the coffee table to complete a large jigsaw puzzle. Set up the spare room to enjoy crafts and hobbies.

Indoor Clubhouse Room

Install surround sound speakers and convert an empty bookcase into a cocktail bar in the spare room. Toss in a few large floor pillows and a small television to convert the spare room into an adult indoor clubhouse room. With no small children around, it is the perfect time to use the spare room for bonding as a married couple or simply kicking back to completely relax if you are single.

Break Away from Tradition

Use your imagination to convert the spare room into a fun and exciting place specifically for you. Take advantage of the space. Typical conversions include office space, a guest bedroom or a play room for the grandchildren. Turn the spare room into a steamy love nest or spa or even a greenhouse or exercise room. If you are a music lover, a recording studio would work well. Break away from traditional functions of spare rooms to create something that is truly unique and meaningful to you with the additional space.

]]>Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:20:41 -0500http://www.startingoverafter40.com/2/post/2012/01/saving-money-as-a-family-venture.htmlOne of the best things you can teach your children is effective ways of saving money. This doesn't start when they are teens and have their first job. It starts as soon as they understand the meaning of money.

Saving money as a family venture can be fun, while also teaching responsibility. No matter what your family's income is, you can find ways to save money. The "habit" of saving is what helps you to meet goals.

Set a Small Goal to Start With

Gather your family members and decide on a small goal for saving money to start with. The goal could be saving to go to the movies once a month or to let the money accumulate each month. The goal amount could be raised each month for some fun competition. Saving for monthly movies or another family activity gives children something to look forward to, while learning what it takes to meet that goal.

Cutting Back

Each family member can choose one thing to cut back on expenses. For example, if your teen regularly buys magazines, they could opt to go to the library for free. If you or your spouse get professional hair cuts, learn how to cut your own hair or go less often. The money each family member would normally spend goes into savings.

Coupons

Get the family involved in making grocery lists and clipping coupons. Making a grocery list can save money because it prevents you from buying unnecessary items once you are in the store. You can get more savings by using coupons for only items that are on your list.

Savings in Everyday Life

Be consciously aware of everything your family spends money on from groceries to the latte you get on the way to work. Separate wants from needs. Decide what your family priorities are for each aspect of spending money. Instead of buying new clothing, buy from thrift or consignment shops. If you are in the market for a new appliance, wait for a sale. The goal is to be more aware of how your money is spent and how better to save it, while teaching children the benefit of setting goals.



]]>Mon, 23 Jan 2012 01:01:48 -0500http://www.startingoverafter40.com/2/post/2012/01/divorce-and-depression.html_Depression after divorce is common, especially if you’ve just separated with the person you’ve been with for many years. However, you shouldn’t dwell on the feeling for longer than necessary. It is okay to mourn the end of a relationship, but it shouldn't ruin your life or the lives of other people around you.

If you have children, you need to be strong for them. Children may be affected by the divorce more than it affects you. It is important not to neglect your children's needs while you mourn for the loss of your marriage. Distinguish the difference between depression and sadness, because this can help in preventing a clinical disease that may eventually affect you and the people around you. If you feel you are more than just sad, consider seeking professional or clergical counseling.

Dealing with a messy divorce can be truly heartbreaking and this may change the way you feel about yourself. However, you shouldn’t let this be the end of your life. There is life after divorce and you should be finding support with friends, family and the people you care about. Take this time to do the things you wanted to do, but could not. Take up classes, enjoy a night out with friends, start dating again  when the time is right. Depression cannot be fought by medicine alone. You have to be determined to survive the divorce and focus on becoming happy again if you want to fight depression after divorce.

]]>Fri, 20 Jan 2012 12:20:40 -0500http://www.startingoverafter40.com/2/post/2012/01/winter-activities-for-the-family.html_The snowy season of Winter is probably one of the best seasons to help your family connect. Other seasons might be too busy or too much of a hustle and bustle to get some time with your family. However, during Winter you can find yourself in a cozy, warm home with your family. Use this time to help your family bond and get to know each other better.

During harsh winter seasons, the best activity can be done right in your living room. Light up a fire and put on some soft, alternative or jazz music. Get some blankets and make hot chocolate for a night of games, ghost stories and laughter. Enjoy a pillow fight with the kids or watch movies while you sip hot chocolate or tea with some delicious popcorn. You might even find yourselves having a family pajama party for the night, after the bonding activities.

When the temperatures are friendlier, take some time outside to enjoy the beauty of snow and the coolness of the breeze. Build a snowman together or divide the family into two groups to have a snowman building contest. Once the snowmen have been built, engage in a thrilling snowball fight. Winter is a great season to bond and feel the warmth and comfort of your family.

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