Dave asks: I've been divorced for two years. My ex-wife and I have 2 children together, ages 9 and 12. I have a girlfriend I've been with for six months. She is jealous of my interaction with the ex. The green monster is coming out! How can I deal with this?

Dear Dave: You didn't define what the interaction with your ex-wife is. You mentioned having children together so I'm assuming the interaction has to do with them. Your new girlfriend has a lot to contend with. When she entered your life, she also entered the life of your children and your ex. The part that will make a difference, in whether your girlfriend stays or goes, is how you deal with your ex with respect to your girlfriend.

Ask yourself if you are interacting with your ex-wife at times that it has nothing to do with your children. Are there unresolved emotions that cause you to be around or talk to your ex-wife when you don't really have to? Do you find excuses to be around your ex-wife?

While your girlfriend might truly be jealous, it's possible she feels threatened by your interaction with your ex-wife if the interaction isn't reasonable. I say this because I know of too many cases where there are unresolved feelings and the person, without realizing it, finds excuses to be around the ex. They step in to help when the issue has nothing to do with the children, in a way that mimics when they were married.

Make sure your girlfriend knows she is the most important lady in your life. Don't step into your ex-wife's life if stepping in isn't justified. Communicate openly with your girlfriend to find out what she is feeling. Don't be defensive, but listen to what she has to say. If you haven't given her reason to be jealous, help her to work through her feelings.


2 Comments
 
 
_Tina asks: It has been 3 years since my divorce. I was not ready to date for a long time, but I have been feeling the urge lately. My problem is finding men my age to date. Where does a 45 year old woman find good men to date?

Dear Tina: Tina, you are in the position that a lot of women face - feeling the urge to date and having no idea where to find the men to date. Admittedly, I have had the same problem. Before dating, I believe you first have to think about the type of man you want to date. Where would the type of man you want to date hang out? Sounds like a simple question, but it truly gives you direction. For example, if you don't like someone who drinks, don't go to bars to meet men. If you are athletically inclined, sign up for the YMCA or an athletic club. If you have a dog, go to the park for walks instead of just around your neighborhood. Think about your own lifestyle and the type of man that fits your lifestyle and also your values.

Finding men to date can be a nice adventure if you give a lot of thought of the places the type of men you want would be. This works much better to find someone suited to you than just going to bars or random places. This does not mean that every man in a bar would not be suited to you. But, the places a person hangs out gives a glimpse into their lifestyle and how it fits your own. My very best to you.

Add Comment
 
 
_Julie asks: I hit 40 this past May. I'm single and have what others would think is a good life. I have my own home, a good job, but since I hit the age of 40, I feel nothing but old and lost. Mostly old! What is wrong with me?

Dear Julie: Hitting 40 is a pivotal age. It is an age that society often tells us that we should have accomplished certain things by. It is an age of much reflection.  For a woman, the age of 40 is also a turning point with her body. She's nearing the age of menopause when she may no longer be able to have children. For a single woman who has never had children, she may feel very sad at the thought that this opportunity is passing, or has passed her by.

We cannot control our age, but we can control how we view our age and our life. You have to accept that you are now 40, but you also have to accept that turning 40 does not make your life doomed. Renew your feelings of 'life' by involving yourself in your passions. Do things you always wanted to do, but never took the time such as an art class or learning to play an instrument. Surround yourself with positive people and positive experiences that enhance more positive feelings about yourself. Stay active and involved! Volunteering is a great way to enhance your life, no matter your age.

A new hairstyle, some updated clothes and a new style of makeup can do wonders for your self-esteem. Don't try to look like a teenager, but enhance your natural beauty. Of course, the way we feel about ourselves comes from the inside out. Talk to trusted friends or family about your feelings. Talking about your feelings helps to alleviate negative feelings and fears.

Make a list of goals you want to meet in the next 5 years. Be enthusiastic about accomplishing those goals. These goals will give you a new direction in your life. Don't forget to reflect on all you have accomplished in your 40 years. I'm sure there are many things you have accomplished that will make you proud to be 40 years old! Best wishes to you, Julie.

Add Comment
 
 
_Joseph asks: Is it possible for someone to have ever loved you when they end up betraying you in every way? My wife, or should I say ex-wife was the one who insisted on getting married. We lived together for a few years and once she saw I was beginning to make good money and provide her a great life, she insisted on getting married. Almost the moment we got married, she seemed to change. She was all about money and nothing about me! Needless to say, nothing got better and everything got worse. She filed for divorce. She lied during the divorce hearing. She got everything, including our children! I am trying very hard to pick up the pieces, but I feel like I've entered the Twilight Zone. I don't get to see my children wake up each morning. I don't get to see them off to school. The unfairness of it all is that my ex-wife is not a good parent. She sits on her rear end and the children pretty much fend for themselves. Our children are not happy in her custody. When they are with me, they are happy children. I guess my question is, how do I ever recover from this pain? How do I get on with my life?

Dear Joseph: Joseph, I am so sorry for your situation. I can only imagine the pain you and your children are going through. As far as whether your wife ever loved you, I think the question is, "has she ever loved herself"? As much as she may appear to be selfish and I'm sure she is, she isn't wrapped too tightly. A person of good character doesn't use others for monetary gain. A person of good character also puts taking care of their children on high priority. Your ex-wife has personal issues. Unfortunately, these issues has caused you and your children horrible pain.

You cannot control what has happened. I know the situation is terribly difficult to accept. My suggestion is to value the time you have with your children and be the great father that you are to them when you have them. Provide a secure environment for your children. Assure them that you will never be out of their lives. This will help balance out what they are lacking from their mother's environment.

Take care of yourself. I know you may feel selfish looking after yourself during this time when you see your children hurting. But, in order to be the best for your children, you need to take care of yourself. Slowly, get involved in life. Take up a hobby or something you've always wanted to do, something that is just for you. Socialize in groups. You more than likely are not ready to get involved in a relationship, but socializing in groups is a good alternative. You can compartmentalize your life. Focus on your children when you have them, but give time to yourself and your desires when you are by yourself.

They say "time heals all wounds", but in reality it is what you do in that time that brings forth healing. You will probably never get a straight answer from your ex-wife as to why she hurt you. She might not know the answer herself. You only have one life to live and living it in the past will not be beneficial. We all linger in the past for a period of time trying to figure out what went wrong. Don't linger too long or you'll find you're living in the past way more than in the present. Focus on new desires and the bright future that lies ahead of you.

Turn to friends or family who care. A support system can be of great value during this time. Talking about your feelings is a way of letting go of the anger and pain. Reaching out to help others is one of the best ways to unravel your own pain. Joseph, I wish you and your children the very best.

Add Comment
 
 
_Andrea asks: I have been divorced for five years. I haven't really dated other than being in the surrounds of a couple of men in a social group. Nothing transpired between myself and any of them, mostly because I didn't feel ready. Maybe it's the nice weather and seeing couples enjoying activities together, but I now feel the urge to meet someone. How does a 50 year-old woman, who has very low self-esteem, spring from her comfort zone and get out there to meet men?

Dear Andrea: You need to define specifically what causes you to have low self-esteem. Low self-esteem comes from a feeling of never being 'good enough'. You have to be realistic about expectations of yourself. Discover yourself from the inside out. Don't try to be someone that you aren't just to please others. Focus on your good qualities. Get rid of any negative thoughts about yourself. Negative thoughts are very destructive. Set goals and pat yourself on the back each time you make even a small accomplishment.

Have a good conversation with yourself about what causes you to have low self-esteem. If you aren't satisfied with your weight, start an exercise program. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Set realistic goals. If you don't like your hairstyle, try a new one. If you are feeling frumpy with your current wardrobe, try a new style. It isn't about focusing on the outside, but about bringing forth changes that give you a boost.

If your low self-esteem comes from other issues such as being shy, practice being more open around friends and family. Make your voice known. Focus on how the long-term positive effects will help you in the dating world. Volunteering or helping others is a great way to learn better social skills and also feel a purpose in life.

The image you project to yourself, of yourself, is the same image other people often see of you. Change that image from a negative image to a positive image. Then step out of your comfort zone and learn to speak up, even at the grocery store. The places to meet men are in the everyday walks of your life. 

Add Comment